The Ages of Eve.
Every pod pilot grows through time, maturing like a mighty oak tree or fine vintage of wine. But what are the ages of a New Eden Capsuleer…?
The hapless noob (age < month):
The hapless noob is fresh in his pod, and largely clueless about the world of EVE. This young specimen will spend the majority of their time not doing the tutorial and trying to work out what the thousands of modules they can’t fit to their frigate actually do – oblivious to the truth that a phased muon sensor dampner is in fact just another type of sensor dampner. The hapless noob can be seen careening through low and null sec again quite oblivious to the hazards around him or alternatively trying to mine enough veldspar (in an imprairor) to buy a dreadnought.
Ship: T1 Frigate
Forums: lurking only, wondering what GB2W stands for.
The Enthused Acolyte (age 3 to 6 months):
Having grasped the rudimentary basics of EVE the enthused acoylte is now armed and ready in their (probably badly fitted) ship of choice. They may well have mastered something tech 2’ish, or skilled up so they can get into a Battleship or BC. They are now ready to ‘take on all comers’. Fanatical and fearless the enthused acolyte will think nothing of rushing the nearest target for a kill, guns blazing whilst being bemused that he can’t hit his foe. A short while (and several ship down later) the enthused acolyte can be found in their corp channels bemoaning the unfairness of (pick one) cloaks, ECM, drones, that a BS can’t hit a frigate, scrams.
Ship: BC with insanely expensive named modules
Forums: Features and Ideas > with ideas on how to nerf/solve; cloaks, ECM, drones, that a BS can’t hit a frigate, scrams.
The PK’er aspirant (age 6 months to 18 months):
The PK’er aspirant can be found either hoovering up level 4 missions in Motsu with the dream of owning a golem, or hurtling through low sec with his gang of pirate buddies ganking anything and everything that moves. If there aren’t any targets said gang will start shooting itself to bits. The PK’er aspirant rather fancies being in null sec (when he’s ready) or in high sec dominating the T2 modules market. Cooler than cool the PK’er is dismissive of anyone not in the ship of the moment and spends any and all down time trolling the forums and telling folks to GB2W! Now in his prime the PK’er aspirant doesn’t suffer fools gladly, fly’s drunk, stoned and with zero tank. Easily excitable can be found on Team Speak screaming obscenities and posting pron in corp chat.
Forums: GD trolling. Crime and Punishment (also trolling).
The Veteran (age 2 year to 3 years):
Experienced and wise to the scams and brigands of EVE the Veteran is the man of wisdom, able to trip ship fittings and market data of his or her tongue with consummate ease. Willing but slightly tired of helping the hapless noob, the Veteran is plotting his or her next big project. Most Veterans will be CEO’ing or FC’ing, their calm approach and measured ideas instilling confidence to all around them. The Vets also started their own blog and is saving cash to hit fanfest next time around so he can instill is wisdom to CCP. Sadly such pre-eminence is to be short lived as at any moment the Veteran will be stricken by that most virulent of diseases – Bitter Vet Syndrome.
Ships – T2 sniper HAC or RR BS. Runs 12 accounts on 4 PCs consuming as much electricity as Luxembourg.
Forums – Test Server, Market discussions, character trade bazaar.
The Bitter Vet (age 3 years+):
This terrible affliction strikes nearly all of EVEs capsuleers. Despite intensive studies no one is entirely sure of its cause, or cure. The Bitter Vet Syndrome is most likely to manifest itself when the Veterans master plan goes awry. Alternatively extended periods plugged in, crippling lag or the dawning realisation that that ‘busy system’ is just full of macroing bots leaves the Vet well…bitter. For the Bitter Vet the a terrible truth dawns that EVE’s lustre is but an illusion, the market ‘broken’, null sec a yawn fest and CCP a bunch of incompetents who want nothing more than their next pay check and to be left in peace. Some Bitter Vets succumb almost entirely to this devastating disease, logging in only to spin their faction fitted Bhaalgorn whilst spouting vitriol with their other Bitter Vet chums on scrap heap challenge (or fail heap seeing as scrap heap…failed). Some of course will run for CSM, hoping that they can indeed change EVEs course whilst others look sadly on knowing in their hearts of hearts that blasters aint gonna be fixed any time soon…
Ship: Faction fitted pimpmobile (perma docked). T2 fitted Cane (“its cheap and disposable but I mean wtf its gonna get blown in a laggy fleet fight anyway. meh im going to bed”). Alt with a Carrier.
Forums: Occasional bitter rants on EVE-O, general lack lustre trolling on failheap.
The Methuselah (age 5+ years):
Old beyond time the Methuselah has been in EVE ‘from the beginning’. He’s seen it all and done it all. No more sub fees for the Meth as she’s long ago worked out how to game the system and rakes in ker’billions from the markets or just by running plexes in a quiet spot in null. The meths character history is a tally of ‘who’s who’ in EVE corporation terms. The Meth doesn’t play EVE, he is EVE. Drinking buddies with Chribba, owner of a handful of mothership’s and mates with at least 6 Devs (from fanfests past) the Meth no longer deigns to visit the EVE O forums, not least because he’s too busy guest appearing on some Veterans podcast or saying hi to EVE TV’s cameras. He’s now gone beyond bitter vet stage his rant exhausted the Meth has resigned himself that nothing much is going to change any time soon whilst still harbouring that feint glow of hope deep in his heart that the next patch really will be ‘awesome’.
Ships: Too numerous to count the Meth now flies a T1 cruiser hoping to relive that moment when he was a hapless noob.
Forums: No longer posts as it’s all been said before anyway. Appears on EVE TV at fanfest or on podcasts where she’s excitedly introduced by an enthusiastic presenter, probably with the words “well you’re never going to guess who we have on the show today listeners!”
What comes next for the capsuleers of New Eden can only be guessed at. Perhaps some will be immortalised as great statues in the vastness of space or, as many fear, they will simply wither and die only to re-suface years later with an EVE O thread asking what’s changed…..